Eeeek! It’s happened! I’ve had a mini-me, & automatically gained entry into that exclusive club, reserved just for mothers. ‘Ooh, well that sounds like a nice club, do you get a cup of tea & biscuit there?’ I bet is what your thinking? Not exactly. But then again yes, tea is a plenty here, all be it only ever half drunk & luke warm (if you’re especially lucky). No this club is the ‘unspoken’ society within the motherhood gang, the one where all manner of ‘judgey pants’ are removed & we air our confessions, to lighten the load but also prove that ‘perfect’ doesn’t exist as a mum. & This is ok. Welcome to ‘the bad mums club’. ‘Tis a badge I’ll display proudly because I’m not really a bad mum: I’m just honest enough to admit my failings here & there, & proud to be keepin’ it real ma hommies (Hey, I’m a mummy but I still know the street lingo y’all!)
I admit, I’m a little bit of a health nut: a green tea drinker, *snot coloured juicer addict & gym bunny. It’s ok though, I balance this out with a good portion of sensible junk in the trunk so we can still be friends, yes? *It’s not actual snot, you understand, it’s just green.
I’d love to impart my healthy choices upon my toddler, in an effort to ease my ‘mum guilt’ for the amount of unhealthy food substances bear stuffs his face with: oh you know, the teddy shaped crisps, squishy cake gloop, biscuits- standard kitchen cupboard snack staples. I’ll try & make the prospect of anything remotely ‘healthy’ entering said mouth, seem like an appealing option that’s just too good to refuse (this constitutes to my evil master plan of bribery!). Even if in reality, these options may be less than desirable, especially to a toddler.
- The Cake replacement:
me: ‘bear, we have to go back inside now’
me: ‘ I tell you what. If we go in, we can have a snack. Would you like some cake?’
bear: ‘mmm, yeah. Cake. Mummy cake’
me: ‘Yup. You can have a cake. A RICE CAKE’
Hahahaha, tricked him there! 1 Point to mummy ..
- The drink replacement: bear enjoys a tipple of ‘mummy’s’ juice (& sorry to disappoint any wine drinkers out there, this consists of Ribena). When asked if he’d like a drink, he’ll demand I make him ‘Mummy’s juice’ Enter the ingenious liquid solution:
bear loves to get involved with my juicing *rubs hands together* let the scheming begin!
bear: ‘Mummys machine! Juice! Round & round. Makes noise’
me: ‘Yay! That’s right. Do you want to help mummy?
bear: ‘Yeah. Juice!’
me: ‘Oh wow dude! Look what you made! Mmm, Mummy try some & then bear try some? I’ll put it in your special cup?’
bear: ‘mmm, okays mummy’.
- The sweet replacement:
The homeopathic types: those secret concoctions that contain calming chamomile & other natural ingredients famed to help you chillax. The size of a sweetener & cased in a sugar like coating. This takes no convincing at all, the sheer mention of ‘sweets’ lights up his little mince pies eyes. Home run!! A healthy option: with the bonus of a more relaxed tot. Win-win!
Finally in confessions of a ‘bad mum’ today: in an attempt to let myself have a little escapism & get to the gym, I’ll make out that the crèche is just the most exciting place in the world to be & within their possession are awesome toys, not found anywhere else on the planet: super fast & super-sized big trac-tors, with magical qualities!! Works every time, naughty mummy
Of course I treat myself to a huge slice of the humble ‘mama guilt’ pie, every time I try to use any of these forms of trickery & bribery, but I’m learning to live with it & accept that frankly ‘whatever helps you get through the day’ & works for you is the winner amongst this. I think I’ve come to terms with the fact that whatever I do in a day, it will always be accompanied by guilt: for that is a right of passage through the glorious journey of parenthood.
To find out more about The Bad Mums Club & check if you qualify for entry, head on over to: But Why Mummy Why